I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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