walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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