Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I think I just sharted jello shots
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
