I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
