shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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