Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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