He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
