I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
