I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
