You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
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It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
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I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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