so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
