i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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