you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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