The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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