My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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