beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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