Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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