i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
