It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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