at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
