Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
