Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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