I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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