It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
