then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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