I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
