Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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