I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
