Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
