Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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