I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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