the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
