capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Hippo gnu deer
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
