gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
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My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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