Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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