my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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