You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
