My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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