I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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