Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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