how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
