I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
