I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
