Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Randomize
