Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
