The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Alive.
So much puke
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
