I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
