What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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