I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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