The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
