the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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