the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
