forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
