This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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