Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
