i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
