I need to stop coming to work sober
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
