You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
